- “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
- A friend is a present you give yourself.
- A friend is like a book: you don’t need to read all of them, just pick the best ones.
- A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
- A healthy attitude is contagious but doesn’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.
- A lie has speed, but truth has endurance.
- A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
- A penny will hide the biggest star in the universe if you hold it close enough to your eye.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- A thousand words will not leave as deep an impression as one deed.
- A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
- A true friend is there for you when he’d rather be anywhere else.
- A wise man once said… Nothing, he only listened.
- Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
- Ageing gracefully is like a nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.
- Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
- All sufferings come from false pride.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
- Always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
- Always identify who to blame in an emergency.
- Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
- Alzheimer’s can’t be that bad. You get to meet new people every day.
- An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
- And in her smile, I see something more beautiful than the stars.
- Any place is a palace if your heart decides so.
- Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
- Arguing with a fool proves there are two.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- Be generous to those who need your help.
- Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
- Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
- Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting.
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
- Books are just TV for smart people.
- Books are not men and yet they stay alive.
- By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
- By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.
- Can February March? No, but April May!
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents named him Sudden Lee.
- Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
- Comedy is tragedy plus time.
- Currently, the flower business is blooming.
- Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.
- Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument.
- Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.
- Don’t try to have the last word. You might get it.
- Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can’t fly.
- Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
- Dream carefully, because dreams come true.
- Dreams don’t work unless do you.
- Even elephants do slip.
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
- Everything always ends well. If not – it’s probably not the end.
- Failure defeats losers, failure inspires winners.
- Failure is always temporary, only giving up makes it permanent.
- Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
- Fears are nothing more than a state of mind.
- Following the herd is a sure way to mediocrity.
- For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea. Real friends pick up a camera.
- God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
- Happiness is not a goal; it’s a by-product.
- Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
- He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
- How do construction workers party? they raise the roof.
- How do you prevent a summer cold? Catch it in the winter!
- How it is one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
- I applied for a job today and they ask for three references. I wrote, “a dictionary, a Thesaurus, and a map.
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
- I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is… Scaring men is easy.
- I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
- I may not be the brightest nail in the bucket, but at least I have a point.
- I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner; all it was doing was gathering dust.
- I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
- I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
- I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
- I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS. THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.
- I’ve never learned from a man who agreed with me.
- If at first, you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common.
- If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
- If nothing was learned, nothing was taught.
- If time is money is ATM’s time machines?
- If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
- If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA.
- If you don’t have a competitive advantage, don’t compete.
- If you had friends like mine, you’d be the luckiest guy in the world!
- If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
- If your ship does not come in, swim out to meet it!
- I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
- Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
- Instead of worrying about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire.
- It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.
- It is a wise child that knows his own father.
- It takes years to build up trust, and just seconds to destroy it.
- It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
- It’s okay if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
- It’s better to light a candle than curse the darkness.
- It’s easier to remember your age if you don’t change it every year.
- It’s just a bad day, not a bad life.
- It’s not what man can create it’s what man can become.
- I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I’ll start calling them traditions.
- Jealousy and envy are deadly to the mind.
- Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
- Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
- Keep your face to the sun and you will never see the shadows.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way; wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
- Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
- Learn from yesterday, live for today and have hope for tomorrow.
- Let me tell you the difference between a good joke and a bad joke… timing.
- Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
- Life is scary; at least the salary is funny.
- Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Making a bad decision is better than making no decision at all.
- Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.
- Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
- Men may move mountains, but ideas move men.
- Men’s natures are alike. It is their habits that carry them far apart.
- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
- Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
- Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves.
- My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
- My job is secure. No one else wants it.
- My parents worked hard to give us everything money could not buy.
- My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.
- Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- No great discovery was ever made without a bold guess.
- No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Not he who has much is rich, but he who gives much.
- Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
- One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
- One who looks for a friend without faults will have none.
- Patience: what you have when there are too many witnesses
- People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.
- Respect yourself and others will respect you.
- Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.
- Seek knowledge from cradle to the grave.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
- Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
- Spoiler alert! The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.
- Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
- Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
- Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
- Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
- The best time to open a gift is the present.
- The best way out is always through.
- The deeper the pit you’re falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.
- The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.
- The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
- The number one cause of death is too many birthdays.
- The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
- The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
- The possibilities are endless, but I just want the good ones.
- The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.
- The reward for a job well done is more work.
- The road to success is always under construction.
- The trouble with trouble is it starts out as fun.
- The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
- The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves.
- There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.
- There will always be someone better than you, there will always be someone worse… but there is no one exactly like you!
- Time is a great healer, but a poor beautician.
- Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.
- Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!
- Trust no one the same friends and family you’ll die for will get you killed.
- Ultimately, we know deeply that the other side of fear is freedom.
- War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
- Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
- We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
- We find comfort among those who agree with us, and growth among those who don’t.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- We must be the change we wish to see.
- We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes!
- What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.
- What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!
- When do monkeys fall from the sky? During Ape-ril showers!
- When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
- Whenever an individual or a business decides that success has been attained, progress stops.
- Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
- Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland!
- Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
- Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
- Why was the tree excited about the future? It was ready to turn over a new leaf!
- With all this technology above and under, humanity still hunts down one another.
- You’re not fat; you’re just… easier to see.
- You’re not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.
Hope you enjoyed reading this collection of “200 + Clever One Liner Quotes That Will Make You Think”. Please share this post with your friends and others to read these one liner quotes.